[[New Beth]]: April 2008

Music

A Band of Bees, A Band of HorsesCrystal Skulls, Cursive, Death Cab for Cutie, Do Make Say Think, Don Caballero, Hillsong, Analog Set, American Football, Andrew Bird, Annuals, Architecture in Helsinki, Basement Jaxx, Bebo Norman, Benny Benassi, Broken Social Scene, Brooke Fraser, Cat Power, Catherine Feeny, Circa Survive, Cocorosie, Crystal Skulls, Cursive, Death Cab for Cutie, Do Make Say Think, Don Caballero, Hillsong, Hillsong United, Hurricane Pronto, Fernando Ortega, Gateway Worship, George Fenton, Guster, Gregory and the Hawk, Hurray for Earth, Hurricane Pronto, Israel & New Breed, Jars of Clay, Joanna Newsom, Kimya Dawson, Ladytron, Mates of State, Minus the Bear, Mindless Self Indulgence, Mirah, Neon Horse, Paw Pawz, Peaches, Phillip Glass, Radiohead, Regina Spektor, Robbie Seay Band, Shapirio, Sufjan Stevens, Super Furry Animals, Stereolab, The Album leaf, The Bad Plus, The Battle of Land and Sea, The Books, The K Word, The New Pornographers, The Postal Service, The One AM Radio, The Sea and Cake, The Shins, The Smiths, The Strokes, The Velvet Underground, The Willowz, Tortoise, Trans Am, Vince Guaraldi, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and many others!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just live in the fullness of His love without all of this crap.. =/ Why can't he just leave me alone?!? I just don't understand anything about anything anymore and it sucks because I'm so confused =/

Honestly, why do I feel so much more A L I V E then I ever have before [even those moments where I'm just soaking in his love] Like.. I'm not in a bad mood.. it's just when I think about how confused I am with this whole Jesus thing that I get upset. See. why is even thinking about Him and thinking about missing Him making me freak out?

I should stop asking questions, because Jesus answers them.. I also have to make sure to put as many distractions in my life as possible that way if I'm going to rebel I can do it right.. haha. this is redic. I'm going to go do something productive.. like not think about Jesus. :P

It's been awhile [kinda]

Oops.. I always vow to be really good with my blog and always update it everyday.. but that always fails.. part of it is though that my new computer hard drive CRASHED and i lost everything. =/
I had to stay up all night to redo 2 papers and a powerpoint project.. it sucked. =/

Anyways.. I've been good. I don't know why but I just feel so angry at Jesus.. I'm upset because I have been so oppressed and hurting and nothings going right in my life.. I know I shouldn't be I just am.. It's not like i'm forgetting to rebuke and bind things.. because I'm doing that.. I just.. I couldn't even breathe. I was constantly up and down, with everything, it was awful.. not only was my life going crazy but i felt like God wasn't even being my constant. I know that I shouldn't focus so much on me.. but I don't know. And another thing.. is that I realized that I love God for what he does for me not for who he is and when the rough times come.. I get offended with God because things aren't how I want them to be. I mean.. I've had my times of revelation of the character of who God is.. but this is one thing that I don't know if I can push past. You know? I mean.. I can. I'm just frustrated because I can't love God for just being his wonderful self. =/
and I'm constantly going crazy with my mood.. i so badly want to go back on my mood stabilizers. I'm not even seeing fruit in my life.. like..I'm more mean, and more moody, and more sad all the time. I mean... obviously not when I have an amazing time with Jesus then I'm really happy and nice.. but like on a day to day basis, you know?

So I just stopped chasing him, I know what I need to do.. i just can't. I don't have the strength to freak out all the time.. that's not like me. I mean.. why is it that everything inside me freaked out the closer I got to God, like a few days ago I was having to go "help me Jesus" every 5 seconds.. literally, and now.. I'm fine.. and I'm not so up and down. I've felt more alive these past few days, then I think I ever have. I'm just so confused. =/

And it's like God reveals to me like who I really am on the inside and I see someone who is like who I want to be (the most like Christ person ever) and I'm passionate, motivated, alive, joyful, anointed, full of love, and I'm actually the most like Christ person ever, you know? Like I think he gives me that so that I don't get discouraged and I know that he's going to answer that prayer one day.. I just can't hold out. I can't do this.. It hurts far too much. I hurt other people far too much when I'm really chasing God. I need some stability, I need some rest. The funny thing is.. is that I'm finding rest within the world.. the oppression has lifted, I'm happy, I'm more stable, I feel things and I'm so much more alive. This feels like it's what I'm supposed to do. I don't know... I know I'm not supposed to rely on feelings but I can't explain this.. I just don't understand anything anymore.. i don't know why I would feel so much more alive away from Christ. =/

I just... don't feel like talking about it or thinking about Him.. because I know it'll just take one word from him to rapture my heart again but I can't do it... I can't go back.. I want to stay where i am. I can't bare the weight any longer.. Oh.. Crap.. I've got to go distract myself.. I'm already starting to think about him again.. no! no! no! I don't want to!!!! =/

I'm pretty sure I'm the most immature and stupid person alive for feeling this way. =/ =/