Awesome Music!!

 

Ughh!!!

Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just live in the fullness of His love without all of this crap.. =/ Why can't he just leave me alone?!? I just don't understand anything about anything anymore and it sucks because I'm so confused =/

Honestly, why do I feel so much more A L I V E then I ever have before [even those moments where I'm just soaking in his love] Like.. I'm not in a bad mood.. it's just when I think about how confused I am with this whole Jesus thing that I get upset. See. why is even thinking about Him and thinking about missing Him making me freak out?

I should stop asking questions, because Jesus answers them.. I also have to make sure to put as many distractions in my life as possible that way if I'm going to rebel I can do it right.. haha. this is redic. I'm going to go do something productive.. like not think about Jesus. :P

It's been awhile [kinda]

Oops.. I always vow to be really good with my blog and always update it everyday.. but that always fails.. part of it is though that my new computer hard drive CRASHED and i lost everything. =/
I had to stay up all night to redo 2 papers and a powerpoint project.. it sucked. =/

Anyways.. I've been good. I don't know why but I just feel so angry at Jesus.. I'm upset because I have been so oppressed and hurting and nothings going right in my life.. I know I shouldn't be I just am.. It's not like i'm forgetting to rebuke and bind things.. because I'm doing that.. I just.. I couldn't even breathe. I was constantly up and down, with everything, it was awful.. not only was my life going crazy but i felt like God wasn't even being my constant. I know that I shouldn't focus so much on me.. but I don't know. And another thing.. is that I realized that I love God for what he does for me not for who he is and when the rough times come.. I get offended with God because things aren't how I want them to be. I mean.. I've had my times of revelation of the character of who God is.. but this is one thing that I don't know if I can push past. You know? I mean.. I can. I'm just frustrated because I can't love God for just being his wonderful self. =/
and I'm constantly going crazy with my mood.. i so badly want to go back on my mood stabilizers. I'm not even seeing fruit in my life.. like..I'm more mean, and more moody, and more sad all the time. I mean... obviously not when I have an amazing time with Jesus then I'm really happy and nice.. but like on a day to day basis, you know?

So I just stopped chasing him, I know what I need to do.. i just can't. I don't have the strength to freak out all the time.. that's not like me. I mean.. why is it that everything inside me freaked out the closer I got to God, like a few days ago I was having to go "help me Jesus" every 5 seconds.. literally, and now.. I'm fine.. and I'm not so up and down. I've felt more alive these past few days, then I think I ever have. I'm just so confused. =/

And it's like God reveals to me like who I really am on the inside and I see someone who is like who I want to be (the most like Christ person ever) and I'm passionate, motivated, alive, joyful, anointed, full of love, and I'm actually the most like Christ person ever, you know? Like I think he gives me that so that I don't get discouraged and I know that he's going to answer that prayer one day.. I just can't hold out. I can't do this.. It hurts far too much. I hurt other people far too much when I'm really chasing God. I need some stability, I need some rest. The funny thing is.. is that I'm finding rest within the world.. the oppression has lifted, I'm happy, I'm more stable, I feel things and I'm so much more alive. This feels like it's what I'm supposed to do. I don't know... I know I'm not supposed to rely on feelings but I can't explain this.. I just don't understand anything anymore.. i don't know why I would feel so much more alive away from Christ. =/

I just... don't feel like talking about it or thinking about Him.. because I know it'll just take one word from him to rapture my heart again but I can't do it... I can't go back.. I want to stay where i am. I can't bare the weight any longer.. Oh.. Crap.. I've got to go distract myself.. I'm already starting to think about him again.. no! no! no! I don't want to!!!! =/

I'm pretty sure I'm the most immature and stupid person alive for feeling this way. =/ =/

My Found Poem.. it didn't allign right.. so oops.. now it doesn't look as cool =/

The Struggle of the

American On view

Though March 15^th

“It’s Heaven”

Mr. Buetti,

“Or this is Hell” who is 51 and lives “It’s a choose your own adventure”

Standardized,

Mass produced

Vessels

Missing

Some deeper substance

Southern farmers, Harlem stoop sitters,

Musicians, builders, athletes,

Liberians, and sailors

A

Dormant

Theater

Set

Waiting

For actors’

Or- supermodels-

To bring it back to life

Wealth displaces grief

From Here

I Saw

What Happened

And Cried

Just another day in the life of

Secret Americana.

"New Day"- - Ian Sharp

"Today is a new day,
Since they lifted you up on the tree
And now the light rises
rises in me
So I'll lift you higher, as I die to the world
To pursue the solitary desire, of tasting the goodness of God
No plans are needed but obedience
No hope differed now, your my fullness, oh God
No more condemnation but the sweetest of sounds
of all accusations, as they fall to the ground
Today is the new day,
Since they lifted you up on the cross
and now your light rises making a way for all of us
Oh what a mystery, only grace let me see
How the curses that fell upon you, can never fall upon me
No plans are needed but obedience
No hope differed now, your my fullness, oh God
No more condemnation but the sweetest of sounds
of all accusations, as they fall to the ground
And the voice of my King in my ear saying
"Love me today
cast your cares here, upon me
and then here with me stay,
oh come away to a place,
I can love you deeper still.
Come away-seek my face
and I'll give you the world,
I'll give you myself, I'll give you myself."
No plans are needed, but obedience,
no hope differed now,
your my fullness Oh God.
No more condemnation
but the sweetest of sounds, of all accusations, as they fall to the ground."

Word From Jesus! :)

Kinda long but worth it

"Obedience is not for my glory, it's for yours. I do not ask you to obey, my darling, so that I can have power over you, for I freely gave you all authority over yourself in hopes that you would freely give me the authority, to partner with you in making your decisions, so that you may live long and prosper. I ask you to obey, so that you can be free. I ask you to obey so that nothing hinders you from receiving my love to the full extent. I ask you to obey, so that we can be together in intimacy here on this earth. Oh how my soul longs for you, just to talk with you and be with you. You are beautiful my dear. I see how the darkness of your soul hurts you, how it hinders you so. I hate sin because it hurts the people I love more then anything in the world. I hate sin because it separated me from my bride. I know that it's dark now, and you can't see me, but fix your eyes upon me, for my light shines brighter then any amount of darkness. See me standing here, at the end of your path, beckoning you to come into intimacy. I want to see your face because I long to gaze at the beautiful creation I have made, I long to gaze at my spotless bride. It's ok, It's going to be ok, your doing fine. I know you can't see even where your stepping but never let your gaze fall from me. Remember I am the end and intimacy with me is the goal. Your goal is not, holiness, fame, the best ministry, winning people to me, demolishing strongholds, being holier the anyone else, not even dieing so that you may be with me, the goal is me, the purpose is intimacy with me. Yes, righteousness, winning people to me, personal growth and demolishing strongholds are bi-products of being with me, but they are not the goal, I am. Even if you fall on your journey, remember that not even holiness is the goal, that I am, and when you pursue me you will find me. If you stumble and if you fall, do not worry, there is no condemnation, just look up to see my hand reaching to help you, feel the warmth of my embrace, and hear the words of comfort and love I am speaking to you, and look into my face. For one gaze, one meeting of our eyes can radically change your heart and give you all direction. I am enough. It's ok that your flawed, I see how dark you really are, and I am not freaked out, I'm not disappointed, I'm not ashamed. I died so that all may come as they are and experience me. So that all my come as they are and marry me, become my partners for eternity, ruling together. I am the kind king, I am your father, I am your husband, and I will lead you."... and I will hold your hand...along unfamiliar paths I will guide you; I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth...I will not forsake you." Do not worry about becoming holy or beautiful for me, for I take your ashes and give you beauty. My timing is perfect, and I have a special time and a perfect time when I will reveal your beauty to the world, for "I make all things beautiful in it's time." and "I make all things new". So come away my spotless bride, come away in intimacy. For I want to love you deeper then you have ever experienced before. I long to reveal myself to you in ways you have not known. Let us fellowship in trust, in love and faithfulness, in hope and in kindness, for I am yours for eternity, I will never leave you or forsake you. "